Yesterday

This is a Free-Write…many grammatical errors, because a post like this can’t & shouldn’t be planned…..

Yesterday I can honestly say was THE WORST DAY EVER!  I woke up in a Freak Panic Attack (these have been happening a few times this week).   I wake up super dizzy with a throbbing pressure on my head, I’m nauseas to the point that I actually throw up and my heart and chest feel like they are about to explode.  How can I live like this? How can I play with my children and live a happy life If I tend to feel like this most of the time?  How do you think I feel when my daughter asks me “mama why you crying?”  What am I supposed to tell her?  What do I tell my husband when he gets home from a hard days work I’m I’m hysterical crying? I have expressed many times to my husband that this is my normal but I don’t think he knows yet that it is.  I woke up and he was still asleep but my daughter was awake, I did my normal thing, gave her her milk and changed her until finally rushed to throw up.  I waited anxiously until he woke up and told him to come for a walk with me outside.  I asked Jaiden if he would stay with the girls for a few.  No teeth brushed, still in PJ’s.  He continued on to joke about where I was taking him…even though we were still on our land, he tends to try and joke to clear up my mood.  I sat him down on his car trailer and fully broke down.  I just sat there and cried and told him I couldn’t handle what I was going through and I explained to him that I didn’t even know what exactly it was that I was going through.  I told him I wanted to run and scream at the top of my lungs and that I just wanted it to end.  He knows this because I did it yesterday on our boat trip….(not the screaming part but I went up a lil and just broke down to cry, I didn’t want the kids or him to see me but he did)  Although he’s always been worried, I expressed to him things that really made him worry.  For starters I asked him if he thought I was crazy.  He said jokingly “You Are Crazy at Times But Not When It Comes To Things Like This”.  He asked me a million times if there was anything he could do to make me feel better, if its that I miss my family, if its that I miss working, if its that I wanna move back to NY…..he asked me EVERYTHING that I didn’t know the answers to.  I cried to him shivering telling him I didn’t know.  I just kept telling him that I couldn’t take this feeling anymore. I started to vomit.  Which for us its normal because when I’m going through this I’m so nervous and anxious that something is happening to me that I just start to vomit.  He comforts me.  Asks me more questions that I of course don’t have the answers to because seriously do we ever really know why we are going through this or why we are depressed? I sure don’t. I have an amazing husband, awesome and healthy kids, a house, a car…the list goes on…..what else am I missing? I FOR SURE DO NOT KNOW!  Its just something that has taken over me, my life, my thoughts, I can’t focus during the day when my heart starts racing and I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m about to die.  After vomitting a few more times we decided I should go to the ER.  I could barely dress myself, but he got everything together and we went on our way.  The whole way I thought I was going to pass out, even more nervous because I asked him “What do I tell them? I look crazy! They are going to think I’m crazy”  He said just tell them how you feel and we’ll figure it out when we are there. So we continued, with all the kids on our way while I cried the whole way.  Once I got there I checked in crying and told them my chest hurt and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  They rushed me in.  I was hooked up to tubes and machines, I was put on IV and the whole 9, it was scary.  After 2 EKG’s, an Ultrasound, a CT Scan, 2 bags of IV, 1 bag of Antibiotics and countless tubes of blood I was finally sent home.  I don’t post these things that happen to me because I want attention or because I need anyone to feel sorry for me, I already feel sorry enough for myself.  I just want those that maybe feel this way to know that they aren’t alone.  I wish someone could tell me “sometimes I feel the same way” …. But its hard because a lot of people don’t dare to talk about things like this because they are afraid of being judged or criticized or even called DRAMATIC.  Panic attacks, Anxiety and Depression are real and judgement is the first reason why some people keep it to themselves….”how can he or she be depressed if they have a beautiful house, or have money…the list goes on” that shit doesn’t matter.  I don’t know whats going on with me but I’ve already made way to help myself out…(ya’ll know I’m afraid of meds”  My kids need me, My husband needs me….I will not let this illness or whatever it is take over me anymore like it has been since I was 15yrs old.