“I’M NEVER GOING OUT AGAIN!” “WHY DID I EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE?” “I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA” Were the thoughts running through my head as I sat in Chili’s bathroom stall, in what seemed to be darkness as I breastfed MJ….sweating. I sat on the toilet, not even thinking about how dirty it was….I just needed to feed her. She was just as uncomfortable as I was, but she was feeding. She was dozing off in comfort as I stared at her, the worries went away and I didn’t care where I was, I just cared that she was feeding and she wasn’t crying anymore……then the person in the stall next to me flushed their toilet and the super loud “WHOOOOOOSHHHHH” made the baby jump and unlatch and the crying began again. “I’m sorry!” a lady said and I replied “It’s ok!” And I was embarrassed that she probably wondered what the heck was I doing in a toilet stall with a baby. But I would rather be in there sweating than in my table with my boob out trying to get a crying, hungry baby to latch on to my boob and people staring at me.
That was the first time I went out with the boys and the baby and I had to breastfeed while at dinner. All the other times I went out were short. Or I just fed her in the car and a secluded area. She was 2 weeks old. My husband thought we needed to get out for a bit and so did I. I had gone out once before this but it was to the mall and I fed her in the car on the way there in the back seat while Hommy drove and I was able to go in the mall and get what I needed and leave before it was time to feed her again. I don’t know what possessed me to agree to eat at Chili’s knowing I’d have to feed her again but she was sleeping and I figured she’d sleep through it. Boy was I wrong. Like clock work she was up 5 min before her scheduled time. The lady had just placed my food in front of me when MJ started to cry…and didn’t stop. So I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in the bathroom stall. When I got back to my table I wanted to cry, my food was cold and I just wanted to go home already. Yes I know I’m a big baby! I told Hommy “I’m never leaving the house again!”
Why did I decide to breastfeed? To be honest I have no idea! Yes supposedly it has it’s benefits but I mean, I didn’t breastfeed Jaiden and he turned out perfectly fine! And I know tons of smart, successful, healthy people that are fine also and weren’t breastfed. But I thought I’d give it a shot since for Jaiden I felt like I didn’t fully try, I gave up. I don’t have a reason as to why I didn’t fully try with Jaiden. It just didn’t work out so I stopped and no one pressured me into continuing, honestly no one cared if I continued or stopped. But now, 10 years later I feel like all people care about is if you’re going to breastfeed or formula feed. I made the decision early on that I was going to TRY and do it. I went to one of my doctors appointment and there was a Lactation Consultant giving a lady a mini breastfeeding class, and I just so happened to watch. She asked me what were my plans (feeding wise) and I told her I was going to try…We exchanged numbers and days later she called me. I had tons of questions…So I figured I’d ask her since she was willing to answer them. I guess my biggest mistake was asking her “If it doesn’t work out, what formula should I choose?” She immediately told me to not even think about formula….and that was when the pushyness started. I don’t mean to talk about her, she really is a nice person and I know she means well but lets be honest, some Lactation Consultants come off very “PUSHY”, they feel really strong about breastfeeding, so they tend to come off a little bossy. I was told not to think about formula, not to buy a breast pump ( that I can express my milk with my hand), if I did express my milk with my hands I should feed it to my baby with a little shot glass!! I was also told not to give my baby a pacifier because “it’ll confuse her”. To me all that sounded bizarre! I mean it’s my baby, I’m the mom, I should have a say too! So I stopped listening to her. I started to google stuff and that was worst. You see everyone has their own way of doing things and what might work for one might not work for another. I ended up getting so much information in my head that I gave myself headaches. Breastfeeding isn’t brain surgery but to some women it comes naturally with no problems and to some it doesn’t.
No one tells you that your boobs get huge and rock hard and your nipples feel like they’re going to fall off and feeding gives you cramps and all these other painful things!! At one point I got a sharp pain in my chest and I thought I was having a heart attack! It was bad! It was really bad. I went and bought a pump regardless of what the lady had said. (I must add that I found one Lactation Consultant who I do still speak to and I swear she was heaven sent! She’s super nice and very helpful! ) I started by pumping and feeding her that milk immediately in a bottle. I was scared because of what I’ve read about how it’ll confuse the baby and maybe the baby won’t want the breast after you give them a bottle. But MJ seemed to have no problem with it. I even went ahead and gave her her pacifier and she was fine too. It didn’t confuse her at all like I’d been warned. My biggest issue was storing my milk. OMG I was a mess. Now that I think about it, I don’t know why I was stressing out about storing it but I would go to sleep at like 4am on the PC looking for storing advice. Some sites say 1 thing and other sites say something totally different. I eventually got the hang of it all….EXCEPT feeding in public.
With so much on social media about how people bash women that breastfeed in public of course I’m terrified of it. I try my best work around MJ’s feeding schedule. Like I’ll try to feed her right before I leave the house so that I don’t have to worry about it outside. Or I’ll take some stored milk with me in a little cooler and I’ll feed her from a bottle. But sometimes no matter how well you plan, things take a turn and your plan fails. After what happened in Chili’s I swore I’d never go out again but for the sake of my sanity that plan had to be broken. We all went to the beach when MJ turned 1 month and Hommy’s sister was visiting from NY. It was crazy hot and sunny when we got to the beach and I must have lost track of MJ’s feedings because the minute we got there she was screaming for milk. I had the stored milk in the cooler and I was fidgeting to take it out the bag and pour it in the bottle. The milk was cold, I’ve fed it to her before kinda cold, not freezing but chilled so I thought she’d drink it this time. I guess it was the fact that she was uncomfortable from the heat and stuff because she was drinking it but spilling it on the sides of her mouth. I was freaking out. Babies feed off your energy and we were both all over the place. I felt like crying with her…where was I going to heat up this milk? My poor baby there hungry and crying! I snapped and I popped out my boob to feed her so fast and I didn’t care who was watching! That little embarrassment that I had was gone. Truth is when your baby is really hungry, you’ll feed them anywhere. And there I was at the beach breastfeeding. That was my first time ever doing so in public. I still haven’t mastered feeling comfortable enough to pop out my boob and feed anywhere but slowly but surely I’ll get there, but at my own pace. (since then I’ve ordered a nursing cover LOL)I’m almost 2 months into breastfeeding and I’ve wanted to quit a billion times. You see everyone paints a perfect picture when it comes to breastfeeding, you hear about how great it is for the baby and you as well but no one tells you about the struggle of it all. Some women have zero issues, other have lots of issues. It doesn’t always work for some women either. The purpose of this post, now that I’ve rambled on and on, is that no one can tell you whats best for your baby. You decide that on your own. Your motherly instincts kick in and you have to trust them. I was stressing out over nothing. I may quit tomorrow and if I do it’s my decision. Feeding your baby formula is totally fine. We don’t have to listen to all these women that breastfeed and don’t understand those women that gave up or decide to formula feed. We have to do whats best for us. This isn’t easy. This isn’t just PUT THE BOOB IN THE BABYS MOUTH AND THATS IT. There’s more to it than that. Whatever you decide just remember FED IS BEST. As long as your baby is getting fed nothing else matters. Thanks so much for reading guys!